poet, poetry

– Innocence –

Kali

I heard my old best friends voice for the first time in years

It reminded me how much has changed since we last spoke

We graduated high school

and college

and graduated from terrible retail jobs

into full time “adult” jobs

we turned 21, 22 and so on

I think about our late-night phone calls that lasted for hours full of secrets and inside jokes I can’t remember anymore

and the mix CDs that have long been discarded

I’d do anything for a friendship this pure and innocent again

poet, poetry, writer

– I Remember –

Kali

I remember the drive to your house 

The cul-de-sac felt like its own little world 

I remember the liquor store we would stop at to get cheap wine 

And getting coffee before walking to the dog park 

I remember how cold it was that day 

I remember how the wind kissed our faces 

The way you used to kiss mine 

I remember you walking me to my car and kissing me like you weren’t going to see me again 

Maybe that’s what you planned  

For us to burn out instead of fading away  

I wonder if you still think about me 

poet

– Please See Me –

Kali

I wish I could tell you how I feel 

That I’ve loved you for before  

But I’m afraid if I tell you  

It’ll ruin what we have 

I’m afraid if I don’t tell you I’ll lose you and then be left wondering what could have been 

So either way

I lose

I’m afraid you won’t want to be with me 

I don’t want you to be the one that got away again  

I don’t want to hear about you with other women  

I don’t want you to want anyone else  

I wish you could see how much I want you  

poet, poetry, writer

– A Letter to My Younger Self –

Kali

Hello

or is that too formal?

We were never ones for formality

—

Hey

I wish I could tell you all the shitty things that happen to you in the future.

I want you to be ready to face them

I want you to speak your mind.

—

Hey

Let me try this again

I’ve been told we need to be more positive.

I haven’t figured out how to do that yet

did that sound negative?

I messed it up again

—

Hi

I can’t wait for you to experience all of the amazing things you are destined to do

like graduate college

and work at a coffee shop for 3 years

that wasn’t negativity.

it was a matter of fact

but don’t worry

you make it out alive.

—

Hey

I’m so proud of you

regardless of what anyone else thinks

you’re going to be amazing

—

Hi

I send my love

Kali

poet, poetry, writer

– Come Over –

Kali

—

“Hey come over”  

I know this routine well enough to say no 

But when I do I spend the night wondering if he’ll still want me 

—

“Hey come over”  

This time I do 

He makes sure the curtains are tightly drawn 

I wonder if he’ll need to be high or drunk to have sex with me again 

When I leave 

I cry in the car 

No matter what I say 

I’m left crying 

—

“Come over”  

A demand this time, not a playful suggestion 

I oblige  

Because I can’t afford to say no 

I ask him what we are  

I get a non-committal answer  

Enough to keep me appeased  

But not enough to close out his other options 

—

“Come over”   

I know this routine well enough by now 

To know that I lose either way 

I say yes 

In hopes that something will change this time  

—

poet, poetry, writer

– Temporary Person –

Kali

I’m a temporary person;

A place holder until you find someone better

someone who is prettier

less complicated.

I’m a temporary person;

Just when my days are good and I’m easy to handle

When I’m happy and carefree.

I’m a temporary person

Just around for a quick fling

when no one else answers the phone.

I’m a temporary person

I’m a doormat

poet, poetry, writer

– The Way –

Kali

Fuck the way you made me feel special.

Fuck the way you used my body only for you to text me that night and say that “we’re too different.”

Fuck the way that you now won’t return my texts and now I’m wondering if I’ll ever be good enough.

Fuck the way that we weren’t even dating, yet I still crave the feeling of your arms around me.

Fuck the way you tricked me into believing that I was someone special.

and fuck the way I still want you.

poet, poetry, writer

– Survival of the Prettiest –

Kali

I refuse to bring attention to my body

I wear oversized shirts and baggy jeans like it’s my uniform

I try to fade into the background until I’m called upon to be the comic relief

I need to make room for the main characters

I order a black coffee, because in high school that’s how my friends aunt lost 25 pounds

I count calories the way a banker counts money

and fight dessert the way a toddler fights eating their vegetables

I keep a pair of pants that are two sizes too small for me in the back of my dresser drawer

I try them on once a week

They decide if I get to have bread today or not

I drink a glass of ice water before every meal, I read in a magazine that it’s supposed to curb your appetite

I have pack of mint gum within arm’s reach at any given moment

I hope the miniscule amount of sugar with calm the craving

I’m slowly fading away

but nothing tastes better than skinny feels

right?

poet, poetry, writer

– Do Something –

Kali

If you’re looking for a sign to do something; This is it

Stop waiting

You’re missing your chance

Don’t wait for the weekend, for a sunny day, for a holiday.

Don’t wait

Because before you know it, you’ve missed your chance

Stop waiting for the perfect moment, you and I both know it doesn’t exist

Everyday that passes, you’ve missed out

Stop existing and start living

Do Something.

poet, poetry, writer

– Alone –

Kali

Have you ever felt alone?

I’m not talking about being home alone or being the only person at a store

I’m talking about the kind of alone that you feel when you’re in a room full of people

It’s the kind of alone that settles deep into your chest

It sinks deep into your bones and makes it home there

The emptiness that fills you up until you can’t breathe and you’re drowning and you can’t doing anything but smile and hope that the feeling will eventually pass

The feeling never passes but sometimes it shrinks

Just enough to get by.

poet, poetry, writer

– I Wish I Hated You –

Kali

I wish I could hate you.

I hate your toxic charisma, that pulls everyone in

no matter what you say

I worked so hard to impress you

To be welcomed into your inner circle.

I exhausted my true self

I threw away all of my morals and beliefs

Just so I could adopt yours and prove my worth.

But now I know you’re just as naïve as I am

You don’t have a solid backbone.

You’re self conscious about your material possessions.

I wish I could hate you.

For what you made me do, for making me doubt myself, for making me feel like I wasn’t enough

But your toxic charisma pulls me in

and makes me forgive your fucked up ways.

poet, poetry, writer

– I Dream Too Big –

Kali

I think my dreams are too big

Too big for a town where everyone marries their high school sweetheart

has kids right after graduation

and then sells for some MLM

This town is not made for dreams

It’s made for reality

a reality that is a boring 9 to 5 job

and a kids soccer game on the weekend

That reality scares me

I crave something else

I crave feeling the cold seep into my body after I stay out too late looking for the perfect spot to set a new story

The feeling of going to a cafe on a rainy weekday to write a new poem about a park I saw last week

I want my reality to be something I create

Something from my dreams

poet

– UPDATE –

Kali

First I’d like to start this off with thanking everyone for their support and kind words on my work throughout the year, I seriously can not express how much it means to me.

Second, I have a few changes I wanna make in the upcoming year; First, I am going to try to post more whether it be poems, updates, whatever.

I guess that’s everything for now.

Remember, you are all capable of doing amazing things.

Much love,

Kali

poet, poetry, writer

– I Am More. –

Kali

I lived my whole life in fear that people would find out that I’m fat.

I spent years hiding behind oversized clothes, baggy sweaters, and furniture.

I craved what the skinny girls had

the ability to buy clothes and not have to worry about them being too small

being able to comfortably sit in a restaurant without the fear of what everyone is thinking

to be able to exist without having people give you unsolicited diet advice

“have you tried keto?”

“my aunt lost 50 pounds on Atkins.”

“I cut out soda and lost 15 pounds.”

I remember that for when I actually want your advice.

I am not fat

I have fat.

I am more than my body.

poet, poetry, writer

– What I’m Mad About Today –

Kali

I’m mad that I’m fat

that I’m ugly

that I’m never gonna go anywhere with my life

I’m mad that I don’t look my age

I’m mad that no one takes me seriously and I’m just a fucking joke

I’m mad that I’m always gonna care for people more than they care for me

I’m mad that I’m always anxious about everything

I’m mad that I can’t get better and have to watch myself spiral

poet, poetry, writer

– I Should’ve Known Better –

Kali

I should’ve known better than to trust people who’s love language is whispers behind your back.

Who make posts about everyone they know captioned with “If the shoe fits”.

I should’ve known better than to trust people who make you doubt your every move.

People who make you question if every word you said was the right one.

People who make you doubt what you know and make you feel inferior.

I should’ve known better than to let these people dictate my life and run it into the ground.

And I should’ve known it would hard to come back from them.

poet, poetry, writer

– A Letter to my Future Self –

Kali

Hello, or is that too formal? should I just say “hi” instead?

How are you? I feel like we’re not even the same person.

We have the same body, but have completely different souls.

When will you read this? In a month? 6 months? A year?

Or maybe you’ll forget all together, you’ll probably forget.

That’s what everyone expects of you; of us.

They expect us to forget because we’re too scatter brained, too spacey, too stupid.

We’re expected to be some sort of clown just here for others enjoyment, not a real person but just a pawn for everyone else’s enjoyment.

I hope in the future you find out that you’re much more than whatever label people put on you.

You’re dynamic, Powerful, Magical, Resilient.

Spiteful.

poet, poetry

– Nobody Even Noticed –

Kali

I remember when I was young, all I wanted was a close group of friends

not fame and fortune, just friends.

I wanted people I could go to

when the bad thoughts broke in

friends who would tell me everything was going to be okay when I cried

and would help build me back up when I was broken

But I never got that

because no one noticed

poet, poetry, writer

– I Miss What We Had –

Kali

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately

I got a notification the other day

we’ve been friends on social media for 5 years

but we haven’t talked

in 2 years

and haven’t said “I love you”

even longer

I wonder if you still love me

If there are any feelings left for me

or if you even remember me

poet, poetry, writer

– Please be Safe –

Kali

We were always warned about abusive boyfriends

fiances

and husbands

but we were never warned about abusive friends

best friends

One’s we’ve had for years

who end up sucking the life out of us

We were never told about the passive aggressive comments

the plans made behind our backs

How they somehow make your low moments seem even lower

or how they’re willing to help you jump off the edge

poet, poetry, writer

– Defiance –

Kali

I’m 8 years old

and the boy on the playground

won’t stop pulling my hair

the teachers laugh and say its because he likes me

I don’t like it

they tell me to ignore him

I’m 13 years old

and the sex ed class

tells us that girls who have sex

are unclean and worthless

I ask about the boys

They tell me to be quiet

I’m 15 years old

and a teacher stops me in the lunch room

she tells me my uncovered shoulders

are making the male teachers

uncomfortable

I refuse

a young girls shoulders

should not make a grown man uncomfortable

I’m 18 years old

and a man in the store

grabs my ass

I tell him to fuck off

The manager asks me to leave

I’m 21 years old

and I’m sick of this shit

I will not shut up

I will not be quiet

and I will be

defiant

poet, poetry

– A Note to my True Self –

Kali

Hi

How are you?

It’s been awhile

We still haven’t found you

I miss you

It hasn’t been the same here without you

We’ve been looking for you everywhere

I can’t remember what you’re like

I can’t remember how you sound

How you walk

How you hold your hands behind your back when you’re bored

I forgot all the little things

How you always had a purple pen in your pocket

How you hated….. I already forgot

I can’t remember

Will I remember your name in a month?

Two months?

Three months?

How long until I forget

How to be whole again

How to be me?

writer

And so begins the journey…

Kali

To start things off, I’m a poet first and an underpaid, over worked retail worker second. I live to dream but am forced to work. I fell in love with poetry not too long ago when I actually opened up the book of Emily Dickinson poems that sat collecting dust on the shelf in my living room.

I’m a dreamer; Always have been and always will be. I was born with a story in my head and love of words. Today, I start my journey in telling those stories.